Mandarin Chinese

Take a taxi from Beijing's station to the tea market: name the street, hear the driver guess where you are going, guess that he is a Beijinger, hear that the accent gives him away, point out a traffic jam, hear him say no matter, say you are in no hurry, and hear that the two of you will take it slowly.

Rent a stall in the tea market from the neighbour who minds it: ask whether it is empty, hear the polite you said to you, ask the rent, hear eight thousand a month, ask about the deposit, hear the four syllables of a lease, ask when you can open, and hear that the contract comes first.

Drink the neighbour's jasmine tea at the next stall: be told to try it, ask whether it is from Fujian, hear that Beijingers just love it, hear a saying about neighbours dropped into the talk, agree to look out for each other, hear that you only have to say, ask him to mind your stall while you eat, and hear that he has it covered.

Serve your first customer, an old Beijinger who doubts a southerner's Longjing: hear him ask whether it is the real thing, tell him one sip will say, hear him grant it is not bad and ask the price, name it, hear him tell you not to brag and make a low offer, answer with the saying of every market, hear his last price, and close the deal.

Follow your first customer home to his courtyard in the hutong: be told to come in and sit, marvel at the courtyard house, be called young fellow and sat down, ask whether it is brewed in a lidded bowl, hear that jasmine tea has to be, say it is especially fragrant and hand over your gift, hear that you are a real friend, and be told to come often.

Spend Mid-Autumn far from home on a video call to the village: trade the festival greeting with Lan, ask whether Missus Wang is there, be asked whether you are spending the festival alone, say the moon over Beijing is full, hear that the village's is just as round, hear the classical line everyone says on such a night, say you miss them too, and be told to eat mooncake together.

Pass the breakfast every outsider must pass: hear Grandpa Guan order two bowls of mung-bean drink and fried rings, hear the shopkeeper say right away, ask whether this is really it, be asked what the first sip tastes like, say sour and stinky, hear that it smells stinky and drinks fragrant, say you cannot get used to it, and be told that when in Rome, you have another bowl.

Sit out a rainy afternoon at the stall: say there is not a single customer, hear that business is slow on a rainy day, admit you are a bit anxious, hear the first half of a two-part saying, ask what it means, hear the second half, work out that the customers will come by themselves, and learn what such a saying is called.

Show Lan Beijing in autumn: hear her open a livestream from the stall, say that Beijing's autumn is the loveliest, hear the neighbour call her both pretty and capable, hear her wave the compliment away, say she is your streamer, hear her propose a stroll at Houhai, promise to take her up the Great Wall next time, and hear the neighbour say he will watch the stall.

Be taken to hear crosstalk at an old teahouse: hear that tonight you are off to hear it, ask where, hear the tickets are bought, ask whether you will understand, hear that half is pretty good already, hear a punchline called a bundle, say you laughed till your stomach hurt, and hear that next time you will come again.

Be taken backstage after a crosstalk show: hear Grandpa Guan bring you in, be asked who you are, give your name, be told your Chinese is authentic, say you understood half, hear the four skills of crosstalk, and be offered a couple of routines.

Take your first crosstalk lesson: be told to practise a tongue twister, ask what that is, hear four is four and ten is ten, say you cannot keep up, hear fourteen and forty, say your tongue is in a knot, hear that practice makes perfect, and promise to practise every day.

Meet Mister Guo, the funny man: be introduced, greet him, hear who is the funny man and who the straight man, ask what the straight man does, hear I talk and you pick it up, hear the feed's two stock answers, try one yourself, and be told you were half a beat late.

Learn the homophones behind the taboos with Mister Guo: be asked if you can give a clock at New Year, say no but ask why, hear that it sounds like seeing someone to the grave, ask what other taboos there are, hear a pear is never shared, work out why, and say why there is fish at New Year.

Climb the Great Wall with the troupe on a winter day: hear that today you climb, ask for a photo on the wall, hear the proverb that is a place, say you will be a true man, hear the steps are too steep, say you cannot climb any more, be told to rest and drink, hear that keeping going is winning, and say you have made it.

Write a crosstalk routine with Mister Hou: hear that you are writing a new one, ask if it is the foreigner's joke, hear it is about the four tones, say mother, hemp, horse, scold, hear one sound and four meanings, say the line about mother and the horse, be asked how the foreigner says it, and give the punchline.

Rehearse the act with Mister Hou and Mister Guo: hear the rehearsal start from the top, be stopped for shaking the punchline out early, ask if it was half a beat, hear the rule of three turns and a shake, check it, be told once more, complain that one minute is this hard, and hear the proverb of practice.

Get ready the night before the performance: be told to try on the long gown, say it is too long, be handed the fan, hear Lan say your palms are sweating, say you are nervous about going on stage, be told not to get stage fright, ask what if you forget your lines, and hear Lan's saying about mules and horses.

Go on stage with Mister Hou: address the house, hear that today you do a crosstalk routine, say you are a foreigner whose Chinese is not too good, hear it is more authentic than his, ask whether that is praise or a dig, hear Grandpa Guan call for an encore, say you only know one routine, and bow.

Be invited onto a television tea programme: hear the host's invitation, ask when it is recorded, hear it is on Saturday, hear Lan say you will be on TV, hear the host call for applause, introduce yourself, be asked to sum up tea in one sentence, and answer with a joke.

Close the stall for the holiday: be asked if you are going home for New Year, say you leave by fast train, hear Boss Huang will mind the stall, wish everyone an early happy New Year, be told to come back often, tell Grandpa Guan to take good care, hear the wish for a train, and say until we meet again.

Get a ticket home in the busiest travel season on earth: be asked if you got the ticket, say tickets are impossible to find, hear that in the Spring Festival rush you have to grab them, ask how, hear Lan will put you on the waiting list, say second class is fine, hear the waiting list came through, and say you are going home.

Come home to the village: be told to have a cup of tea first, say you are back, hear that on the twenty-fourth of the last month the house is swept, ask why today, hear out with the old and in with the new, hear everyone is busy with the New Year, offer to sweep, and be told tea first, then sweep.

Write the New Year couplets with Teacher Song: be called to write, say you write badly, hear who writes the upper line and who the lower, ask about the top scroll, hear it is just four characters, be told the fortune is upside down, answer that fortune has arrived, and be told not to touch because the ink is not dry.

Sit down to New Year's Eve dinner: hear it is ready, offer to toast everyone first, be told the elders come first, toast Master Chen, be told to leave some of the fish, ask why, hear the saying about plenty every year, and hear cheers and that tonight everyone stays up for the year.

See the year in at midnight: be called to wrap dumplings, ask what Lan put in one, hear whoever finds the coin is the lucky one, hear the Gala has started, hear Lan ask if the act is funny, hear Master Chen ask where the punchline was, say it was in the last line, and hear midnight and happy New Year.

Make the round of New Year calls in the village: be told to go and pay the calls, ask whose house first, hear Old Hu's, wish him a happy New Year at his door, hear may all go as you wish, wish him good health, give a child a red envelope, and hear prosperity and sit down for tea.

Receive Little Wu's New Year visit: trade the holiday greeting, tell him he has got fatter, hear you have got thinner and how much you earn a year, parry it, hear when the children are coming, hear Lan say let nature take its course, ask whether this is concern or an interrogation, and be marched off to eat.

Guess lantern riddles at the Lantern Festival: be called to guess, ask how, hear a riddle with its formula, give the answer, hear you got it right, hear Lan ask for another, be told the sweet rice balls must be eaten hot, and say they are hot and sweet.

Sit at the last table of the New Year: hear Master Chen say this spring is the last time, ask the last time for what, hear he is old and his hands are slow, hear he has fried tea for fifty years, hear the wok passes to you, say you have not learned enough, hear that tea waits for no one, and be told to come back in March.