French

Hear the French teenagers speak, understand four words of verlan, and learn how the French flip a word back to front.

Complain about work the way the French do, with bosser, le boulot and j'en peux plus, and close a rant with bref.

Tell a friend you are going to apply for French nationality, with the fillers the French put in every sentence, du coup, genre and quoi.

Go through a thirty-page list of papers with a friend and complain about it in good spoken French, with une tonne de, un truc de ouf and galerer.

Understand a French tradesman on a bad day, with y a un souci, ca va pas le faire and c'est mort, and hear the one word that means all is well.

Hear French irony, the compliment said flat that means the opposite, and learn to give it back without losing a friend.

Stand in a French queue and take part in its conversation, with c'est pas vrai, ils abusent and j'hallucine, and leave with the last baguette.

Meet a French friend's old friends and follow the way men who grew up together talk, with mec, la vache, t'inquiete and ca fait un bail.

Learn from a nineteen-year-old how her generation agrees, exaggerates and complains, with grave, trop and ca me saoule.

Hear the slang of another generation from a village neighbour, with la bagnole, le pinard, bouffer and les flics, and know which words to keep.

Talk about money the way the French do between friends, with le fric, ca coute un bras and etre a sec, and split a bill without anyone losing face.

Have a small row in French and end it the French way, with t'es serieux, laisse tomber, on s'en fout and a kiss on the forehead.

Revise for a French citizenship interview with a friend, with the dates, the motto and the symbols every French person learnt at school.

Deal with a civil servant whose humour is drier than her forms, hear ca fait plaisir and quelle surprise said flat, and get your stamp anyway.

Talk to a French teenager about a bad school report without starting a war, with c'est pas ouf, tu te moques de moi and je gere.

Hear how the French really say no, with the ne gone and the words squeezed together, and learn when to put it back.

Take a cat to a French vet, answer the questions in the French the vet actually uses, and hear that it will be fine.

Organise a French apero by text and in person, with on se fait un apero, la flemme and ramene quelque chose, and know what time people really arrive.

Watch a football match with French friends and shout the right things at the right moments, with allez, c'est n'importe quoi and l'arbitre.

Make a joke in French and have it land, and hear what the French say when they laugh, with elle est bonne, mort de rire and t'as de l'humour.

Hear that one paper is missing from your file after a two-hour wait, stay polite while furious, and get a date instead of a refusal.

Be teased about your accent by someone who loves you, tease back, and hear the French words for the sounds foreigners get wrong.

Read the text messages the French actually send, with slt, jsp, mdr and tkt, and learn what each one stands for.

Haggle at a French flea market the way the locals do, with c'est de l'arnaque, je vous le fais a and allez, dix, and walk away with the lamp.

Interview a young teacher who says tu to the boss, set the register without humiliating him, and hear the French rules of vous and tu.

Wake up to a French strike day, hear how the French talk about it, with y a greve, comme d'hab and on fait quoi, and get to work anyway.

Learn the picture expressions the French use every day, with tomber dans les pommes, avoir la peche and couter les yeux de la tete, from a woman who has used them for ninety years.

Hand in a complete file at last, hear the French for relief and nerves, with c'est bon, ca y est and je flippe, and be told you did well.

Hear a joke told badly in French by a beginner, help him to the punchline, and learn the words the French use for jokes and for not getting them.

Open the letter that calls you to a citizenship interview, read it the way the French read official letters, and panic in good spoken French.